If you’re a woman with ADHD, autism, or another form of neurodiversity, chances are you’ve learned how to mask—sometimes without even realizing it.

Masking means hiding or minimizing parts of yourself to appear more “together,” “easygoing,” or “on top of things.” On the outside, everything looks fine. Inside? It can feel like you’re holding your breath all day.

At first, masking feels like survival. It helps you get through school, blend in with friends, or meet expectations at work. But over time, pretending to be fine takes a toll—especially with the people closest to you.

‍What masking can look like

Masking shows up differently depending on where you are and who you’re with:

• With family – You push yourself to manage every household task without asking for help, even when you’re running on empty.
• With friends – You nod along in conversations while your mind races or hide the fact that keeping up with scheduling and logistics feels overwhelming.
• At work – You over-prepare, check your work multiple times, or stay late to cover up challenges with focus and organization.

On the surface, you look capable and composed. Underneath, you’re exhausted from keeping up the performance.

Why women do it

For many women, masking starts young. We’re often taught—directly or indirectly—that being organized, dependable, and emotionally steady is part of our value. When ADHD, autism, or executive functioning challenges get in the way of showing up “perfectly”, masking becomes the go-to strategy for blending in.

And because so many women don’t get diagnosed until adulthood, if at all, we develop elaborate coping strategies to cover up struggles. We tell ourselves it’s just what we have to do to get by.

The hidden costs no one sees

Masking may help you “fit in,” but the costs quietly pile up:

• Burnout – Keeping up the act takes enormous energy, leaving little for your real self. Everyday tasks feel harder than usual.
• Anxiety, depression, and self-doubt – Constantly fearing you’ll be “found out” fuels stress and self-criticism. Depression often grows in the gap between who you really are and who you feel forced to pretend to be.
• Strained relationships – When loved ones can’t see your struggles, it’s harder for them to support you. Instead of asking for help, many women lean harder into masking—putting on a smile and saying, “I’m fine,” to keep up appearances.
• Loss of identity – After years of hiding, it’s easy to lose track of who you are without the mask. Identity is like the compass of your life—without it, everything from your self-esteem to your choices to your relationships can feel off course.

Maybe you’ve felt it: the exhaustion of holding it all together until you’re finally alone, the frustration of feeling misunderstood, or the quiet grief of not fully recognizing yourself.

Taking small steps toward unmasking

The good news: unmasking doesn’t mean tearing down every wall or exposing yourself in every situation. It means creating safe spaces where you can let your guard down and be more of your true self.

Some gentle starting points:

• Be honest about limits – Even if it feels uncomfortable, try saying, “I’m too overwhelmed to take that on right now.”
• Let trusted people in – Share a little more about your struggles with a close friend, partner, or co-worker.
• Allow imperfection – Let your house, calendar, or inbox be less than perfect—and resist the urge to apologize for it.
• Practice self-acceptance – Remind yourself that you don’t have to earn belonging by pretending.

Final thought

Masking may have helped you survive in the past, but it’s not the only way forward. Letting down your guard with family, friends, and co-workers can feel scary—but it’s also the path to deeper connection and healthier self-esteem.

It’s a process, and the more you learn about yourself, the easier it will be to decide how much of that mask you want to remove—and with whom.

You deserve relationships where you don’t have to perform to be accepted. Where your strengths and struggles are seen, understood, and supported.

Because the real you—the unmasked you—is worthy of belonging, just as you are.