Friendship is one of life’s greatest gifts. Yet when your brain works differently than most people’s, figuring it out can feel like one of life’s hardest challenges.

If you’re late-diagnosed neurodivergent, you probably know this feeling: you crave close friendships, but traditional social rules drain you. People who don’t understand your communication style have hurt you. Small talk shuts you down, yet you can light up and talk for hours about your special interests.

Here’s what I want you to know: nothing is wrong with you. Your way of connecting isn’t broken—it’s different. When you honor your unique social needs, you can create the most meaningful friendships of your life.

Why friendship feels different for neurodivergent women

As Kendra Koch, Founder of Divergently, puts it: "Neurodivergence is not a singular experience. Some of us thrive on structured social interactions, while others prefer deeper but less frequent conversations. Others prefer to meet one-on-one. What’s shared is that we learn to hide to fit in.”

This leads to burnout and leaves neurodivergent individuals feeling disconnected even when they’re around people.

The good news? Science shows us that when we embrace our authentic way of connecting, our friendships become stronger, not weaker.

Here, I adapted the framework of 8 Tenets of Dynamic Friendship from my book, "Friends Matter, For Life," to offer practical tools, real-life examples  and exercises to cultivate fulfilling—and neurodivergent-affirming—friendships.

8 science-backed ways to build friendships that feel right

1. Recognizing: Get clear on what you actually need

What the science says: Attempting to fit into typical friendships is a form of masking that leads to social exhaustion and burnout (Hull et al., 2020). If trying to fit into neurotypical friendship patterns—weekly coffee dates, group hangouts, remembering to text back immediately–is exhausting you, it’s because it is, in fact, exhausting.

What if your ideal friendship looks completely different from what you’ve been doing? Identifying your natural friendship style and working with it, can help prevent social exhaustion and improve your relationships.

Try this: Create a "friendship blueprint" by asking yourself:

• Do I prefer deep one-on-one conversations or group activities?
• Am I energized by frequent contact or do I need space between hangouts?
• Do I communicate better through text, voice calls, or in person?
• What environments help me feel most like myself?

Real talk from the community: "The most terrifying part of being a friend unmasked has been asking for help. Creating connection and trust requires vulnerability, which was possible once I unmasked and let go of the fear of not being enough." —Isabeau Korylak

2. Communicating: Communicate your way, not their way

What the science says: Direct communication isn't rude—it's honest. And honest communication builds stronger friendships than playing guessing games with social cues (Crompton et al., 2020).

Try this: Be upfront about your communication style. You might say: "I prefer direct communication—if I ever miss a social cue, please just tell me directly. I won't be offended."

Real talk from the community: "I started sharing that my communication style isn't personal, it's just the way my brain processes information. Setting the expectation up front eased the miscommunication." —Ariana Rodriguez

3. Accepting: Find your people (not just any people)

What the science says: If you have a history of "friendship trauma" from past social exclusion, it’s only natural that you’d avoid events where you’re more likely to make new friends (Sedgewick et al., 2019).

It’s helpful to remember: You don't need to be friends with everyone, or go to every event you’re invited to. Find people who appreciate your authentic self by strategically seeking out aligned groups and events.

Try this: Instead of forcing yourself into friendships that require constant masking, seek out:

• Neurodivergent-friendly communities
• Groups centered around your special interests
• Spaces where direct communication is valued
• People who celebrate differences rather than expecting conformity

Real talk from the community: "Connecting with other women who are like me killed the thought that something was inherently wrong with me." —C.M.

4. Blending: Navigate social situations with clear expectations

What the science says: Social events can feel overwhelming when you don't know what to expect, especially since different social circles and environments have variable rules and expectations (Müller et al., 2018). The solution isn't to keep RSVP’ing no—it's to prepare in ways that work for your brain.

Try this: Before social events, research what to expect:

• What kind of event is it?
• Who will be there?
• What's the actual dress code? (If you get a roundabout answer, you can ask the host what they plan to wear))
• Is there a quiet or outdoor area where I can take a break?
• What small, achievable goals can you set? (e.g., greeting one new person)
• What is your exit strategy?

Real talk from the community: "I experience overwhelming anxiety navigating different social environments. Variables shift depending on the gathering—like dress codes—because there's always a dress code, even when they insist there isn't." —Rhiannon Vaughn

5. Safeguarding: Set boundaries that actually work

What the science says: As a neurodivergent person, you’re likely more prone to sensory overload and social exhaustion (Cook et al,. 2021). At the same time, you’re likely to prioritize loyalty in friendships which may come at a cost to your own emotional wellbeing. This makes boundaries essential (Milton & Sims, 2016).

Having boundaries isn’t the same as being mean. They preserve your energy so you can show up as your best self.

Try this:

• Tell friends ahead of time when you need to leave: "I love spending time with you, and I'll need to head out by 8 PM to recharge."
• Schedule recovery time after social events.
• Be honest about your capacity for phone calls: "I'm feeling overstimulated today, but I care about you. Can we catch up over text or voice memos instead?"

Real talk from the community: “I tell friends ahead of time I have to leave at ‘X’ time. This sets the expectation early and makes me feel less like I'm 'abandoning' them. If I stay too long I drain myself, even with people I love seeing." —Samantha Johnson

6. Reciprocating: Show care in your own way

What the science says: Being neurodivergent often means you struggle with traditional reciprocity norms like offering verbal praise or mailing birthday cards. Luckily, friendship doesn’t require remembering every birthdate or always saying the "right" thing. It's about showing up in ways that feel authentic to you and your friendship (Raymaker et al., 2020).

Try this: Define your unique ways of showing care:

• Send articles or resources that reminded you of them
• Invite them to join you for activities you enjoy
• Offer practical help during tough times
• Share your interests with each other
• Give a small trinket or gift “just because”
• Listen deeply without trying to "fix" everything

Real talk from the community: "Love isn't about always saying or doing the right things—it's about showing up when it matters. Whether it's making dinner for a friend who's sick or simply sitting and listening, that's how I express care best." —Amy Walls

7. Recalibrating: Know when to adjust or step back from a friendship

What the science says: Neurodivergent women often avoid conflict and over-accommodate due to past rejection. This form of people-pleasing makes it hard to end friendships or adjust relationship boundaries (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).

Try this: Not every friendship is meant to last forever. It's okay to outgrow relationships that consistently drain your energy or require you to hide who you are. Ask yourself honestly: "Does this friendship energize or drain me?" If it consistently feels unbalanced, exhausting, or unsupportive, it's okay to set firmer boundaries or step back entirely.

Real talk from the community: "I once ended up in a very toxic friendship. I knew it was toxic, but was afraid that I wasn't worthy of a healthy friendship. Once I understood my worth I realized that I had the right to decide who I allowed in my life." —Birdie Thorn, Author of “I Am Her, She Is Me”

8. Self-friending: Become your own best friend first

What the science says: Self-acceptance improves mental health, especially for neurodivergent women who struggle with feeling misunderstood or "different" (Kapp et al., 2013). Since the relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life, it’s helpful to reframe negative self-talk and shift your internal dialogue towards kindness Doing so is good for your friendships, improves your confidence, and makes you less likely to seek validation from others.

Try this: Practice self-compassion by asking: "Would I say this to a friend?" If the answer is no, shift your internal dialogue toward kindness. Treat yourself with the same care you'd show someone you love.

Real talk from the community: "When my therapist told me I needed to learn 'self-compassion,' I was annoyed. But self-compassion was exactly what I needed. Learning to accept my struggles, limitations, and trauma as real and valid grounded me in truth and gave me a starting point for my healing journey." —Kendra Koch, Founder of Divergently

The bottom line

Friendship for neurodivergent women doesn't have to follow typical social rules. The strongest friendships aren't built on fitting in—they thrive when you show up as yourself, unapologetically.

Your unique way of connecting isn't a flaw. It's a strength. The right friendships will honor your needs, appreciate your authenticity, and grow naturally alongside you.

Ready to connect with people who get it?

Building friendships as a neurodivergent woman feels less overwhelming when you're part of a community that truly understands your experiences. At Divergently, we created a space where you can practice being authentically yourself while connecting with other women who share similar experiences.

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Our moderated community provides:

• A supportive space to connect with people who understand your journey
• Expert-led live and recorded events on topics like communication and relationship building
• A place where you can experiment with unmasking and test new relational skills
• Resources for navigating friendships, family relationships, and workplace dynamics

1 Note: The author received written permission for all quotes and identities used in this article.

Dr. Kimberly Horn is Divergently's Science Advisor and author of Friends Matter, For Life. She's a longtime professor and research psychologist who specializes in health behavior research and social connections. This blog was adapted from her article that appeared in Psychology Today, February 19, 2025.